


empirical

by Abbysoftie



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide, Triggering Subjects
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2019-11-15 19:44:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18079757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abbysoftie/pseuds/Abbysoftie
Summary: the appeal of sleeping all the time feels so euphoric, the ease of letting your mind slip away from itself.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> for these past few months i've been trying to write, get my words onto paper, string my emotions into sentences, nothing seems quite so easy anymore.

it's easy to pretend that theres no scratching at the back of your throat, like black ink isn't coating up and down my entire insides. i tell myself i don't want to rip my skin open and tear myself apart limb from limb, slowly. i tell myself i want to stop chasing towards the storm because i found my sun, and my sun is him.

phil fucking lester. you perfect piece of shit. you cared for me, you finally made me feel loved and you don't deserve any of this. you shouldn't have to deal with my constant need to live in my world of broken promises where no one ever finds each other.

when i’m out, i’m numb, placing one foot in front of the other, thinking only of the safety of my bed, away from the people and the air, just away.

i tell him "i'm ~~happy~~ , really, you make me happy." that last part isn't a lie. i'm happy when he's there and numb when he's not. i can't live my life depending on his sapphire eyes and prepossessing smile. 

phil, i am so so sorry, i crashed into your life, making you deal with worst parts of me. i made you feel like you had to help me. i'm so fucking sorry.

there were good and bad days. mostly bad. on the good days i would kiss phil till my lips felt blue, i kissed him until it felt like our lips had moulded together and all that was left was him. on the bad days i'd take long showers, lying down i would let the water beat down on my chest, until it felt like i couldn't breathe and tried to imagine what that would actually feel like. i'd take slow sips of air and pretend they were my last. i'd stay curled up in my bed as phil called my name somewhere far in the distance. 

on my last day i woke up feeling better than usual, i kissed phil good morning and made him breakfast in bed. 

i invited pj, chris and louise out for lunch. we laughed for hours and i let myself believe that everything would be okay.

when i got home i packed away my things while phil laughed at an old comedy show i didn't recognise. i wouldn't let the tears fall, i'd decided this, i was going to be free. 

as the sky grew black i questioned why everyone viewed the daylight as a safety blanket. why was the dark expected to feel unsafe when it was so similar to my mind. 

i clutched phil tightly to my chest as he snored softly, i kissed his soft lips one last time and said my goodbye.

i ran myself a bath and locked the door behind me. i dragged the silver edge along my wrists until i could no longer feel the pain. 

i love you phil lester 

\-------------------------------------------

i love you dan howell 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i whispered against his lips "until death do us part you said, am i dead yet"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i couldn't leave it like that, i need to learn that suicide isn't an option.

"jesus dan, fuck" swam around in the blackness of my head, slipping through every crack of my brain to my mouth until it reached my ears. i coughed the black up, spewing it onto the tiled floor, the water was red, why was it red? 

"keep your eyes open babe, don't shut them." babe. babe. that was phil, my phil, the fucking sunshine, i almost left my sunshine. tick tick tick tick. 

my wrist rung out like an old telephone thats too loud for your ears. phil muffled the ringing, the pain easing between his fingers. tick tick tick. "dan look at me, i'm gonna call an ambulance okay?." help. help.   
"n-no phil they'll make me eat the yellow paint, i dont want to eat it." arms looped around my back and pulled me up from the freezing cold water.  
"w-we need to get you help dan." crying.   
"phil, why are you crying ?"   
"because you're hurting baby." i shut my eyes as i felt the black fall out of my ears and my eyes and my mouth and my nose and my fingertips and my wrists.

"eyes open darling, why'd you do this to yourself, okay thank you, please hurry"   
"who are you talking to phil, don't make me go, please don't make me go. they'll cut off my ear. phil please." tick tick tick.   
"you'll be fine dan just keep talking baby, why did you do this darling?" darling. tick tick tick.   
"i wanted it gone." black. yellow.   
"wanted what gone dan?" tick tick.   
"the black, the air, the people, the showers, the everything." yellow.   
"even me?" tick.   
"i wanted me gone from you, not you gone from me." ring ring. drip drip. more black on the tiles. more red in the bath.  
"i never want you to be gone dan." 

tick tick. 

"i do." 

he pressed his wet cheeks to mine. i whispered against his lips, "until death do us part you said, am i dead yet?"  
"no darling, you're still here and you're still wonderful and still the only thing right in this world.' tick tick. yellow. black. drip. ring ring. knock. 

the ambulance people seemed kind. the man with chinks of light by his eyes looked sad. a man with rays by his eyes shouldn't be sad. they bandaged up my wrists and talked to me as if i was vulnerable person. i guess in their eyes, i was. the man with the rays by his eyes and the girl with soft rounded cheeks. 

7 days. 7 long days in the hospital. my sunshine was there every day, all day, the only glimmer of light in my life. 

sui- the wrong thing - attempt.   
suicide attempt. remember you just attempted suicide. remember you can't ignore this. fucking remember dan. you'll be okay. you'll be okay.   
empty promises to phil that i wouldn't try this again. i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry, i love you, i fucking love you too. 

i can't do this. i cant do this. you can do this.   
i can't do this. 

i can do this


End file.
